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Everything That’s Worth Binging On Netflix This January Betches

We did it. The holidays are over and we’ve survived the family reunions, awkward high school run-ins in our hometowns, and gift shopping stress—even if that means becoming penniless in the end. Now that we’re back to adulthood activities such as having responsibilities, day-to-day chores, and going back into the office, the desperate need for a distraction has never been stronger. IDK about you, but the back-to-back holidays have left me broke AF and therefore, I forbid anyone from asking me to do anything social for like, at least two…

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How To Make 2019 Your Gayest Year Yet Betches

When it comes to being gay, we’re living in a pretty confusing time. We constantly hear about how far we’ve come, and how people are more accepting than ever, but we’re stuck with a government that’s unwilling to stand up for our rights, and depending where we live, many of us still experience homophobia on a regular basis. As straight people flood your timeline with engagements and baby announcements, it can feel like your space to express yourself is as small as ever. So it might not always be easy,…

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A Complete Breakdown Of Kourtney Kardashian’s Many Jobs Betches

People always accuse Kourtney Kardashian of being the most boring Kardashian, largely because she doesn’t seem to have the most hectic work schedule compared to the rest of her family (or most contributing members of society). Her own sisters agree with the haters: Khloé once told her mom on national television, “Kourtney is no dynamo, she’s like watching paint dry” and Kim told Kourtney to her face that she’s “the least interesting to look at.” However, I beg to differ. Sure, in a family of women who have extensive CVs (and…

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Come Party With Us In Miami For Xfinity Reality Week Betches

As Samuel L. Jackson told us in the OG Jurassic Park, “hold on to your butts.” Xfinity Reality Week is coming. WTF is Reality Week? It’s a celebration of all things fights, frenemies, and totally real and not scripted television that we all love to hate. bitch sports bar HGTV style and glamming it up as the Xfinity Reality Bar. This rad reality hotspot will be open to the public (so book your ticket now) as of January 6, 2019. Then, when the stars align and Mars is out of…

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We Made A List Of Hobbies Kristen Doute Should Pursue Betches

Okay, so Kristen Doute was the token crazy chick on Vanderpump Rules for the first couple of seasons. Now, she’s developed into a mostly stable, somewhat self aware, moderately functioning human being. Thanks a lot, therapy and having a healthy relationship! You’ve taken Krazy Kristen away from us! And now, Kristen has taken a turn for the worse. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not because she’s pulling stunts like attempting to air out her ex-boyfriend for cheating on his new girlfriend in Miami (we’re all in agreement that Tom did…

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The Best Cute Winter Accessories That Are On Sale Right Now Betches

Consider this: in 2018, you would have pushed off buying winter necessities until it was officially -30 degrees and your fingers were at risk of frostbite. You’d then probs try to just pop into your local CVS to quickly grab a pair of gloves, and end up buying some fugly overpriced and poorly-made generic ones. But 2019-you is better than that, and would never have such an experience. The new you is smart and prepared, and is going to take 20 mins out of your day to go order some…

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Odds and Ends 

Happy New Year (And Thank You!) From The Cracked Podcast

Enormous gratitude this week! New episode next week. And in the meantime, here are some of our recent favorite episodes of the show. Also did you know we’re going on tour in 2019? It’s true! See us LIVE in Chicago, Illinois on Thursday April 11th and in St. Paul, Minnesota on Friday April 12th. A few recent fun episodes: “12 Pop Culture Franchises That Went Insanely Off The Rails” with guests Kristi Harrison & Cyriaque Lamar “Why Everyone Is Wrong About Violent Video Games & Your Brain” with guest David…

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12 Great Ideas America Should Steal From Other Countries

“No bad ideas in a brainstorm.” That’s a common saying that implies a darker truth: as soon as an idea leaves a brainstorm’s cocoon, and gets put into practice, it can metamorphose into a living, breathing disaster. After all, who knows how your theoretical idea would actually work? How can we put any idea into practice without testing it on millions of people first? And surprise — sudden mental left turn here — what if we already had a way to test all kinds of ideas, see how great they…

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Weekend Horoscopes For December 21-23, 2018 Betches

The best, and possibly only good thing, about the shortest day of the year starting this weekend is that now we’re on the uphill climb, slowly getting more and more daylight each day. I can already feel my Vitamin D levels rising and my mood greatly improving. This weekend is also the official start to Capricorn season. It’s okay to indulge in the practical. Don’t go outside when it’s cold AF for any reason. Drink the rest of the vodka because it goes bad if you open it. Block your…

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SYFY’s Deadly Class Will Be Your New TV Obsession Betches

We’re all going to be making big changes to our lives come January. Maybe you’re going to try out keto. Maybe you’re going to take your makeup off every night, even when you get home late. Let’s be real, no matter how hard you try, you’ll give up on your diet and beauty regimen after like, a week. But here’s a resolution you can commit to: watching a new TV show. And we know just the one: SYFY’s Deadly Class, premiering January 16th at 10pm/9c. Honestly, the best way I…

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Odds and Ends 

How A Few Precision Engineers Invented Your Entire Life

You’re holding a couple hundred billion transistors right now. Yes, you. You with the smartphone in your hand. That’s possible because — surprise — transistors are only a few nanometers in size now. A size so small, that description means nothing to you, right? Well here’s something: what if transistors and all other things we engineer are only going to get smaller from here? And what if that entire process began a shockingly short time ago, in a specific place, and changed the entire world faster than anybody realized it…

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2019 Horoscopes: What The New Year Has In Store Betches

We made it, betches. We actually survived the year 2018…but wait a second. WTF was that? Is it just me, or did this year feel like at least three to four years combined? IDK about you, but this was definitely the longest year in history, and not to sound like a broken record, but I totally blame Jupiter in Scorpio’s phoenix-like ways for 2018’s insanity. Release. Rebirth. Repeat. Sound familiar? Granted, we also experienced back-to-back eclipses, and what seemed like never-ending retrograde cycles, but here we are, new and improved.…

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The Most Interesting ‘Pump Rules’ Plot Points You Didn’t Know Were Lies Betches

If you took a sip of a PUMP-TI-NI every time someone lied on Vanderpump Rules, you’d be drunker than James Kennedy while he’s doing a DJ set. And if you took a taste of Raquel’s “pasta” every time a cast member says in a sinister tone, “The truth always reveals itself,” we’d have to check you into rehab. In other words, telling the truth is not exactly this cast’s forte. And what a tangled web of lies and tacky hair extensions this band of pretend-waiters weaves, because they can’t even…

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Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore…

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Ariana Grande And Kanye West Are Now Feuding On Twitter Betches

Looking back on 2018, I don’t think any celebrities have caused more headlines than Ariana Grande and Kanye West. Kanye has spent large chunks of this year on social media, sharing his thoughts on everything from Trump to religion. Ariana has obviously had a crazy year, from her relationship drama to releasing a number-one album and the biggest hit song of her career. These two are as big as it gets, and now they suddenly have beef with each other on Twitter? Honestly, 2018 really needs to end already. As…

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