Odds and Ends 

Donald Trump’s 6 Very Real, Very Insane Tips For A Good Life

Whatever you make of him politically, there’s no denying that Donald Trump has been alive for a long, long time. That is literally the least that we can give him. So it stands to reason that he must know something — that he must have some standards or guidelines by which a person can live their life. What a rich source of lifestyle advice he would be, if only he’d share this with us. If only he could find some time in his day to talk about himself. Oh, it…

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The Bitter Truth About Fighting Chronic Pain Without Opioids

If you’ve tried to get painkillers from your doctor recently, or read literally any news story about white rural America, you know that we have an opioid epidemic. Fortunately, it turns out there is a clear, simple solution to the problem. Here’s a quote from Attorney General Jeff Sessions, breaking it down for the rest of us simple-minded shits: “The plain fact is, I believe — and I am operating on the assumption that this country prescribes too many opioids — I mean, people need to take some aspirin sometimes…

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5 Insanely Important Jobs (We’re Running Out Of People For)

Supply and demand should ensure that we never run out of people to do the really key jobs. If there was a dire shortage of, say, potato chip flavor developers (don’t panic, this is strictly theoretical), chip companies would make the salary and perks of the job more attractive, colleges would hype up the benefits of majoring in flavor science, and new blood would enter the field, bringing with them the caramel-and-Worcestershire-sauce-flavored Pringles we truly deserve. But reality is nowhere near that efficient, and we are running out of people…

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Why The Fifty Shades Series Hates Sex

The third and presumably last of the Fifty Shades Of Grey movies has arrived, and is in the process of being quickly forgotten. Still, the three films have made over a billion dollars, and the five books have sold an incredible 15 million copies combined. Oh wait, I misread that. It’s 150 million. Universal PicturesLook at the havoc this poor man’s dick has wreaked on his own life! “Men must throw themselves at you,” he says. “Never one that I wanted,” she replies. “Barf,” I whisper to my cat. Ana…

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What It’s Like When Your Town Is Attacked By A ‘Killdozer’

On June 4, 2004 one man in a home-built tank exploded through the wall of his small-town muffler shop and went on a rampage. This “tank” was a monstrosity built from metal, concrete, and one gigantic bulldozer. In the days and months after, that man became something of a folk hero, as you’d expect, considering he had singlehandedly built an unstoppable Killdozer. Plus, as it came out, he’d sought revenge on powerful local interests who’d wronged him. The real tale is, as usual, a bit more complicated. By the end…

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Quirky Corporate Twitter Accounts Are Not Your Friends

Remember that Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad that suggested you could solve police brutality with a cold refreshing soft drink? How about the recent Super Bowl commercial wherein Ram Trucks uncovered the hidden secret that a famous Martin Luther King Jr. speech was actually about buying a Ram? Both were widely mocked, which makes it seem like we don’t fall for manipulative advertising anymore. But brands have realized this, and are taking advantage of a huge blind spot to hide their sketchy practices. Read Next They’ve reached the point where people…

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What We’re Still Not Teaching Kids About Consent

If I’m remembering correctly, sex ed in the ’80s consisted of the following lessons: — First grade: Tell someone if a grownup (who isn’t a doctor) touches your private parts — Fifth grade: You’re going to bleed from your private parts one day, catch these free diaper-sized maxi pads as we lob them at your head — Tenth grade: You know what sex is, right? Don’t do that unless you like making babies. And if you’re going to have sex, wear a condom because of AIDS. Good luck! If you’re…

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The Much Better Movie Hiding In ‘Titanic’

It doesn’t seem like anyone remembers Titanic as a great movie, despite the fact that it won 11 goddamned Oscars. Maybe it’s because we’ve decided that anything teen girls like is terrible. Or maybe it’s that every line sounds like it was directly copied and pasted from some other period romance movie. But what if there was something much more daring going on under the surface? What if all of that fanfiction positing that Jack was short for “Jacqueline” is in fact onto the real story being told … or…

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The Sad Reality Of A Christian Pick-Up Artist

This is the story of a man who raged against the vagina and lost. A man whose erection died a thousand deaths, until all it had left was its God. But at its core, it’s the redemption tale of a man who went from sex predator to sex predator for the Lord. If you have any holes on you, you already know who I’m talking about: pick-up artist and author Don Diebel. It’s important to me that you know this is a real person, and not some wacky character I…

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5 WTF Book Scenes Wisely Left Out Of The Movie Versions

We all have that friend who, no matter how great a film is, will always say the book is better. And the worst part is that they’re almost always right, the jerks. Well, the next time they open their bookish little mouths, here are some examples you can use to shut them right up. Some books contained scenes so nonsensical, stupid, or dong-filled that filmmakers didn’t even try to put them in their adaptations. And speaking of dong-filled, let’s start right off with … You’re probably asking, “Didn’t a woman…

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5 Bizarrely Specific Things Every Sci-Fi Movie Does

Anything is possible in science fiction! You can explore the future, delve into the past, chronicle alien civilizations, and probe the endless possibilities of time and space. The genre is limited by nothing but human imagination. Unfortunately, human imagination seems like it was depleted sometime in the 1970s, because no matter what obscure corner of the galaxy you warp to, some things never change. Like how … Most cars in modern sci-fi movies are nothing but contemporary designs with all the curves replaced by straight lines. Here’s one from the…

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The Sad Reason We’re Just Now Getting A Female Doctor Who

You have that one friend, right — the one who’s always trying to get you to watch Doctor Who? Or maybe you are that friend. Either way, you probably know that every few years, the title character of Doctor Who turns into a new Doctor dude, played by a new actor. So why is it so easy for Romana to control regeneration and so complicated for the Doctor? Is it because he sucks? If regeneration is a completely random lottery and the Doctor could become any kind of creature in…

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On The Eve Of Black Panther, Let’s Give Blade Some Credit

As the world celebrates a proudly black superhero getting his own film, you may hear some fans quietly muttering, “Wait, didn’t Blade do that like 20 years before Black Panther?” And then there’s an even smaller, weirder group of people saying, “And what about Meteor Man?” But this is about Blade, and what it says about where the world is now versus 1998. (Spoiler: What it says is mostly bad.) First, remember the context. Back in 1998, we still didn’t know if superhero movies truly worked. Sure, we’d seen success…

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I Read Steven Seagals Insane Novel So You Dont Have To

Once, it would have been inconceivable for Steven Seagal to write a novel about anything other than him punching men in the penis. But times change, and now Seagal has given us The Way Of The Shadow Wolves: The Deep State And The Hijacking Of America, a “book of fiction based on reality.” — A pack of four-legged coyotes ran past John’s vehicle. — When he parked at the casino a half hour later, Jimmy had no idea that he was being watched and filmed by a shadowy man with…

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Become A White Hat Hacker With This Discounted Course Bundle

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there. Did you know that companies will pay you a lot of money to perform computer hacking for them? And no, not in a high-stakes, espionage-y, forgettable side plot in Mission: Impossible 5 kind of way, but in a “Please make sure that our own system isn’t full of vulnerabilities so that we can keep out the bad hackers” way. It’s called “ethical hacking,” and it’s one of the…

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