New year new you—except probably not really. Here’s to all of the New Year’s resolutions that’ll eat sh*t and die this week, such as (but not limited to) going Keto, intermittent fasting, accepting your body for what it actually is, taking up a hobby other than Instagram (stamps, anyone?), quitting your job and becoming an influencer, or cutting your takeout spending in half. Is there any guidance from the stars on what we will and won’t accomplish this weekend?! You know there is, or else I wouldn’t be here. Read your weekend horoscopes below.
Self confidence for liiiiife, Capricorn. Seriously, apparently with 2020 comes some major planetary movement pushing you to love yourself, boosting your self-esteem and making you irresistible to everyone that runs into you. This weekend, the moon in Leo is highlighting intimacy in all of its forms, so Friday and Saturday are great opportunities for a date night with your SO or a new flame.
Get weird with your lover, Aquarius. Or, if you’re actively on the hunt, make plans to connect with someone over drinks with friends or a spur-of-the-moment Tinder swipe on Friday night. Be on the lookout for feeling extra sensitive this weekend, too. Like, it’ll be totally normal for you to burst into tears at the slightest inconvenience. Not that you don’t do that normally, but this weekend you can at least blame the planets for it. Yay!
Blame the moon for your self-indulgent feelings this weekend, Pisces. This weekend you’ll want to focus on you, so whether that means not changing out of your pajamas for 72 hours and binge-watching all seven seasons of The Great British Baking Show (Ruby was ROBBED in season 3, you guys) or dropping a grand on manis, pedis, a new hair-do, and a three-hour full body massage—whatever. Do it. By Sunday night, you’ll feel #refreshed and ready to get together with the girls in an attempt to slay the Sunday scaries with alcohol.
You’re feeling energetic AF this weekend, Aries, which comes as a surprise to the rest of us since January is known as the slowest, saddest, month ever. Tackle some household chores on Saturday (like the vacuuming you’ve been putting off since November, or cleaning out the fridge, which 100% still has condiments from 2013 in the door) then head out for the day on Sunday with friends. Dedicating time both to your own nest and to your need for excitement will have Monday feeling less depressing than usual.
Try not to bite anyone’s head off this weekend, Taurus. The stars are making you feel super irritable, so use it as an excuse to cancel plans and stay close to home Saturday and Sunday. Focus on some tidying up of your nest and calling your mom, who wants to know if you’ve met a nice boy yet.
Mercury is pushing you to communicate and connect this weekend, Gemini. It’s all sunshine and rainbows, which is a welcome change from the usual January bullsh*t. Meet up for drinks and tapas or something bougie on Friday night, then head out on a day trip with your SO on Saturday to fight over antiques or whatever couples do on a road trip.
It’s all about relationships this weekend, Cancer. Be careful to make some time for yourself, too, especially after the workweek on Friday afternoon. Come Saturday and Sunday, you may need to tend to your SO’s needs, esp. if he’s having an existential crisis because of the Jets continued losing streak/ability to suck year after year. Look out for drama Saturday morning, i.e. a fight over which of your roommates ate your leftovers, but come Sunday morning everything should be chill once Sarah admits it was her.
Get down with health and exercise, Leo. January is always prime time to head to the gym/cycling class/yoga with all the other folks that are totally going to turn it around this year, so jump on the bandwagon. Saturday presents a great opportunity to connect with new people or reconnect with old friends that you thought you hated, so give it a chance and try not to scare people.
Get wild, Virgo. The weather may be cold and f*cking miserable, but a night out with your favs on Friday will brighten the dull horror that is winter. When was the last time you played beer pong? Resurrect your useless skills and break out the table. By Saturday, the moon in Leo will have you craving alone time, so put your phone on silent and try reading a book (I don’t remember how, either).
Time to listen, Libra. Obviously, it’s way more fun to complain to everyone, but this weekend it’s your turn to sit and absorb your friends’ diatribes, ranging from work struggles, to dating issues, to failed diet stories. We know it’s exhausting giving a sh*t about people, but keep in mind it’ll be your turn to bitch and moan again someday soon. You’re, like, a really good person.
Time to expand your horizons, Scorpio. Take a weekend off from being a total psycho and drive out of town on Saturday for some rest and relaxation. Don’t be afraid to go solo, either. Sometimes ignoring literally everyone around you can be v cleansing. Be sure to let your mom know, though—you know how she worries when you don’t answer her texts.
Try new food, buy some weird art, or try that sexual position that scares you and your partner a little, Sagittarius. This weekend is all about new sh*t, and what better time to say “been there, done that” than January of a new year? Head to a weird artsy movie with a friend on Saturday and make fun of everything and follow it up with a date night on Sunday for early wine and snacks.
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