Odds and Ends 

Youre Santa! Can You Master The Sleigh And Deliver Gifts To All The Good Boys And Girls?

This feature requires JavaScript to function. This is you. You’re Santa Claus. I’m definitely Santa Claus, but unfortunately, I need to explode right away. You’ve been lying unconscious on the frigid tundra of the North Pole since last Christmas. In order to make sure you didn’t starve during your year-long slumber, arctic pelicans have been coming up to you and laying eggs into your mouth 24/7 since last Christmas. Every pelican lays about 200 eggs at a time, and they’ve just been squirting them right down Santa’s sleeping throat all…

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House-Sit For Your Neighbors While Theyre On Vacation!

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Go answer the door. Okay. PLESH! Fievel is a cunning mouse from a motion picture, you learn. This is the first you have heard of him. The knocking at the door has stopped. Deal! I have no questions. Please go away to vacation now. Go house-sit for the Pleshes. You walk across the street to the Pleshes’ house. You are excited to go in and do a good job so that you can earn money. You plan to use the money to buy a…

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Mark, The Motherfucking Renaissance Man Himself

The talented son of a bitch… 1. Mark can play the piano His parents only made him take lessons till the sixth grade, but Mark still plays every now and then as a hobby. Jesus H. Christ. I once heard him run through the entirety of a Chopin waltz with only three or so mistakes. 2. The guy is basically a genius He’s real humble about it, but Mark straight up studied biology at Stanford. Seriously, he turned down a basketball scholarship to Temple in order to go to a…

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Its Your First Day At A New High School. Can You Become Popular?

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Take a deep breath and march boldly through the front door. Go lie down on the grass instead. Wow, school. The place where knowledge happens. How exciting it is to be in your new stomping grounds. You’ve been told to go to the atrium, where your orientation buddy will be waiting to show you around the school. Go inside high school. “Are you Kevin? It is me, Ormul, your orientation buddy!” he says. “The school has chosen me to be your new best friend.…

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Your Parents Are Going Out Of Town. Host The Party Of The Year!

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Hell yes. Knowledge is power, and power is everything. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! screams your clock again, but later now. Does it hate you? Yes. Anyway, probably time to get up, right? Keep hitting snooze. You keep hitting snooze, and eventually, your clock gives up, because humans will always beat machines in the end. You sleep for a long, long time. You dream about gliding over a small island nation ruled by batteries, and about French-kissing your cousin with the two lazy eyes. You manage…

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