I haven’t talked to you in a while, especially nowadays when I’m so distracted by everything that is going on in my life. I don’t ever want to put anything before you, but I know that I have. I understand that you haven’t been my first thought and you haven’t been my top priority. You’ve called me, and at times I haven’t answered, but right now I’m struggling.
I feel lost and scared.
For the first time in my life, I feel directionless. I feel like a ship stuck in a storm with no sails, with no way of knowing where I am going. I feel like I’m on a journey with no destination. I’m a ship in a wide and vast ocean that seems to have no end. I’ve tried to steer myself in what I feel is the right direction, but to no avail. I am now at the point of giving up. It’s only when I’ve tried everything that I ask for help, and I don’t expect an answer because of how distant I am from you. I don’t expect an answer because of how far I’ve travelled without you, and yet I hear you. It’s not a booming voice. The storm doesn’t immediately clear up, but your voice calms me. It’s a welcome stillness and quiet in the storm that rages around me. In the chaos of my feelings, you bring me comfort.
Even in the storm around me, my eyes look only to you. Your eyes let me know that it will be okay. Even in the distance I created between us, you still call me. You still reach out to me. You are my compass in the mess and fog that is this world. Even in my troubles, you make sense of the confusion. As my journey continues, I want to remember who you are in my life. I want to make sure that you’re the first one I come to, not just when I need help but also when I’m happy, when things are going great in my life. As a father, I understand you wish to be closer to me, not just in my troubles but in any aspect of my life, and I need to allow myself to be closer to you. To open my heart to be the father you want to be and the daughter you called me to be.