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Do You Possess A Gentle Enough Touch To Buckle Me Into My Car?

I need to be buckled into my car, but it has to be done by someone who possesses the Proper Touch—a Touch that can only be described as “gentle enough.” So, would your Touch cause me to squeal with agony? Or with delight? Take this quiz to find out! Our state-of-the-art quizzes require JavaScript. 1. Which of the following best describes your hands? Traditional Soft with oaky finish Two screaming rim-rattlers Only somewhat toothy One time, my Touch ran itself along a foggy window, spelling out “Tenderness and also Civility”…

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Liberal Hypocrites: Why Are Dems Criticizing Roy Moore When PEDO PREZ Barack Obama Is Still Married To FORMER TEENAGER Michelle Obama?

A liberal witch hunt is on the prowl for Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. The respected former judge is being attacked for OCCASIONALLY BEFRIENDING young girls using ROMANCE, and his senate campaign is on THIN ICE because of this smear campaign of the liberal media. Meanwhile, while the vicious liberals are attacking Roy Moore for simply trying to be OLD ROMEO to young ladies, the hypocritical left is entirely ignoring the real villain: child-chasing PEDO PREZ Barack Obama who to this day continues to be married to FORMER TEENAGER Michelle…

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5 Outrageously Awkward Text Message Breakups

You should NEVER break up with someone via text, but if you have to for some reason…definitely don’t do it like these people. 1. Ugh…so awkward. 2. Yikes. We can barely look at this one. 3. This couple takes the awkward text breakup to the next level! 4. This text breakup got REAL. 5. 🙁 Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/article/5-outrageously-awkward-text-message-breakups-1433

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5 Major Tattoo Fails

Looks like these five people are permanently marked with fail! 1. Wow. This woman’s dolphin tattoo is totally defiling her sacred vessel. #FAIL 2. Oops! This guy forgot that tattoos prevent your body from going to Heaven with the Lord, Our Father. 3. “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord.” —Leviticus 19:28. Epic. Fail. 4. The maw of Hell will bloom beneath the feet of all who have denigrated His works with their cheap and tawdry markings! Thou…

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Can You Keep Up A Conversation With Your Dad?

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Yes. Absolutely. Check the basement. Check the patio. Go to his office and check there. Hmm. Nope, not here. Check the den. Check his office. You are shocked not to find your dad in the kitchen, a place he can often be found. Check the patio. Check his office. No dads here on the patio. Check the kitchen. Check his office. You walk into your dad’s office building. “Oh, you must be Dad’s kid,” says your dad’s boss, Mrs. Clakswaby. “He’s not here right…

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Betrayed: This 26-Year-Olds Parents Told Her Shed Have To Buy Her Own Plane Ticket Home For Thanksgiving

Twenty-six-year-old Amber Ferland assumed Thanksgiving this year would be like any other: relaxing with family, eating home-cooked food, and catching up on sleep. But then an unthinkable tragedy befell her out of nowhere. Less than two months before the annual holiday, Amber’s parents informed her she would have to pay for her own flight home for Thanksgiving this year. “They paid for my flight from Boston back home to Atlanta all through college and for each of the past four years,” Amber explained amidst this understandably trying time. “This year,…

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Please. Look At This Corn. Please.

It is here. Corn. Our state-of-the-art quizzes require JavaScript. 1. Look at this corn. You must. I am not looking at it. I do not know where to look. 2. Here is corn wearing its green coat. Please. Look now. I will take no part in this. I am looking at the ceiling, but I see no corn. 3. Here is 100 corns. You will look. You are wrong if you think I will look. I am eager to look, but you must first explain to me how. 4. Please….

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Shots Fired: Quiznos Has Hired Subways Jared Fogle For A New Ad Campaign Claiming That Quiznos Sandwiches Cured His Pedophilia

Two titans of the fast-food industry started taking some high-profile shots at each other this week, and honestly, we can’t look away. In a seriously epic move that has sent shockwaves through the marketing world, Quiznos has hired former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle for a new ad campaign claiming that Quiznos sandwiches cured his pedophilia. Damn, Quiznos! Throw that shade! In case you haven’t seen, Quiznos launched its newest ad campaign last night with a series of perfect TV spots that feature Fogle standing in front of a sandwich counter…

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What Is A Good Gift For My Very Serious Nephew?

This joyless boy’s a mystery to me. Our state-of-the-art quizzes require JavaScript. 1. My nephew is a grave, grim boy who takes weekly oatmeal baths, writes trivia cards for no one, and dreams of designing a superior cigarette. Next week, he turns 12. What do you get a boy like that? A sober boy will go wild for shares of Quest Diagnostics stock. Spoil him rotten with a book of carpet samples. 2. In the past, I’ve bought him monochrome jigsaws, a model kit of the RMS Lusitania, and a…

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Coincidence? The Similarities Between Kennedy and Lincoln Will Blow Your Mind

Two iconic presidents, both tragically assassinated. But the similarities don’t stop there. Just one hour before being shot, both presidents gave speeches saying they didn’t want to be shot. Both had vice presidents named Johnson and wives named Johnson and sons named Johnson and labradors named Johnson. John F. Kennedy was the 35th president of the United States. Abraham Lincoln’s birth weight was exactly 35 pounds. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated while attending a play at Ford’s Theatre. The name of the play? The Assassination Of John F. Kennedy. Both were…

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Can You Tell Which Of These People Lost A Lot Of Weight And Which Ones Just Bought Big Pants?

See how many you can guess! Our state-of-the-art quizzes require JavaScript. Lost A Lot Of Weight Wrong! Caroline has been a size four since 1995, but that didn’t stop her from going to Bloomingdale’s this weekend, demanding to see the largest pair of pants in the whole store, purchasing the pants, and getting a friend to take a picture of her standing in them! 3. Just Bought Big Pants Correct! Roger spent $40 on these big pants. Definitely worth it! Lost A Lot Of Weight Correct! Felicia owes her amazing…

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Slow Down, Buddy: This 25-Year-Old Who Moved To NYC 4 Months Ago Just Wrote A 1,500-Word Facebook Post About How New Yorkers Stand Together In The Face Of Terror

Well, here’s a guy who really needs to cool his jets: After yesterday’s terrorist attack in Lower Manhattan, this 25-year-old who moved to New York City four months ago wrote a 1,500-word Facebook post about how New Yorkers stand together in the face of terror. Okay, buddy. Let’s pump the brakes, okay? Tyler Harmon, who moved from Boulder, CO, to New York City four months ago to pursue acting, was in his apartment in Hell’s Kitchen at the time of yesterday’s terror attack. But as soon as he heard about…

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5 Ways To Get The Other Masked Orgy Participants To Accept The Bulbasaur Costume You Showed Up In

The social dynamics of an orgy can be difficult to navigate for even the most self-assured individuals, especially if you show up dressed in a Bulbasaur costume. But follow these tips for how to competently rock your Pokémon getup, and pretty soon you’ll be the life of the fuckfest. 1. Do a lap around the house right off the bat to see if anyone’s turned on by Bulbasaur’s large, unwieldy bulb: While the other people at the orgy likely opted for seductive masks and sexy lingerie, that doesn’t automatically mean…

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Groundbreaking Discovery: Paleontologists Have Agreed To Start Saying That Stegosauruses Had Beautiful Singing Voices Because Its A Nice Thought And Its Not Like Theyre Hurting Anyone

There’s still a great deal that we don’t know about dinosaurs, but researchers have just made an exciting announcement that gives us a clearer picture of what these extraordinary beasts were like when they roamed the Earth millions of years ago: Prominent paleontologists from around the world have collectively agreed to start saying that stegosauruses had beautiful singing voices, because it’s a nice thought and it’s not like they’re hurting anyone. Wow. This is an incredible scientific discovery that, while not technically true, is innocuous enough that we can probably…

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Major Controversy: A Film Of The 42-Minute Drum Solo That Hitler Played To Apologize For The Holocaust Is Being Shown At The Holocaust Memorial Museum

A heated debate has erupted around the newest exhibit at the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C., with impassioned and inflammatory rhetoric flaring up on both sides. For the past several days, protestors have been harshly condemning the museum for its polarizing decision to display a film of the infamous 42-minute drum solo that Hitler played to apologize for the Holocaust. Yikes. It looks like this has all the makings of a major controversy. According to a statement from the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., the controversial video of the…

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