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Finally! An Emoji That Expresses The Pain Of Getting Older And Realizing Youre The Adult In The Family

For all the lazy texters out there (you know who you are!), emojis are lifesavers and super fun. And now, with the most recent iPhone update, we got a new cute little face you didn’t even know you needed: an emoji that expresses the overwhelmingly empty feeling of getting older and realizing you’re the adult in the family! All right! We all know that feeling of seeing your parents withering away and realizing you no longer have a safety net, and that the two people who kept you safe your…

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Its Your First Day On Wall Street

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Buy money. Do stocks. Learn about how stocks happen. Nice call. Should we hit the trading floor, then, or would you like to diversify your portfolio first? Or perhaps you’d like to learn a little about how stocks work? Diversify portfolio. Bet big! Shout! Go home. Yes! You’re doing it! You’re winning all of the money! Go do cocaine. Go home. Hahaha! This is so fun! Go to trial. Guilty. The court agrees that you are guilty. Now, it is time for sentencing. Receive…

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The Best Two-Sentence Horror Stories Of All Time

If you think you need a full book or movie to tell a scary story, then you’re wrong! Just check out these chilling two-sentence horror stories that are bound to give you goosebumps. A flash of lightning momentarily illuminates your bedroom, and you see that there are dozens of ravens perched around your bed, staring at you. They’re getting germs all over your things! Via Giphy.com Trembling, you pull back the shower curtain. No, it can’t be: another shower curtain. Via Giphy.com Offering a truce, he held out his hand,…

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Spiraling Out Of Control: This Man Spends 90 Minutes A Day Online

Ross Harper seems like a normal 24-year-old. He loves Parks And Recreation, has a close group of friends, and considers himself a “total foodie.” But Ross lives with a dark secret even his closest friends and family members would likely never comprehend. He spends 90 minutes on the internet. Per day. You read that right. Ross spends up to an hour and a half on the internet each and every day, and he shows no signs that this web-browsing tailspin will end anytime soon. According to Ross, he typically boots…

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Caring About Customers: Duolingo Is Reporting Any User Who Goes 10 Minutes Without Opening The Duolingo App As A Missing Person

When it comes to customer service, one mobile app company is setting the new gold standard. Today the language-learning app Duolingo announced a new feature that will report customers who haven’t used the language-learning software for 10 minutes as a missing person. This is truly some next-level customer care! If you are a Duolingo user who remains inactive on the app for 10 minutes, the app will file an official missing person’s report with local authorities and send a mass text to everyone in your phone’s contacts notifying them that…

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Whoa: Lush Has Created A Long-Range Shea Butter Missile Capable Of Moisturizing Targets Up To 6,000 Miles Away

Lush is absolutely dominating the beauty landscape, and apparently, nothing is going to stop it. To prove that it sets the rules and everyone just follows, the company just unveiled its newest, most powerful skin care product to date: Lush has created a long-range shea butter missile capable of moisturizing targets up to 6,000 miles away. Whoa, that’s some serious firepower. According to anonymous sources within the company, the shea butter missile weighs more than 100 tons and stands 70 feet tall, and at the click of a button could…

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Silencing Dissent: The Catholic Church Has Beheaded Neil deGrasse Tyson For His Heretical Claim That The Earth Revolves Around The Sun

Celebrity astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson has spent his career building up a loyal fan base, but it looks like not everybody loves his signature brand of popular science. Yesterday morning, the Catholic Church beheaded Neil deGrasse Tyson for making the heretical claim that the Earth revolves around the sun. Yikes. Looks like Neil just found out the hard way that you should never contradict church doctrine! For most of his career, deGrasse Tyson has provoked the fury of the Catholic Church by openly supporting a model of astrophysics based on…

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May I, Papa?: McDonalds Is Releasing A New Fig And Ladyfinger McFlurry For Fancy Little Boys Who Desire A Treat

Don your tartan-print leisure knickers and command Barkley to warm up the Rolls-Royce, because McDonald’s is releasing a toothsome new offering for America’s blue-blooded lads. In a press release this morning, the fast-food giant announced it is coming out with a new fig and ladyfinger McFlurry for fancy little boys who desire a treat. Ah, how splendid! Marketed as the McDandy, this fig-based confection is served inside of fine porcelain saucers gilded with Baroque, gold-leaf patterns, making for a luxurious yet yummy after-dinner indulgence for monied young moppets who yearn…

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Get The Whole Online Experience By Trying Our Internet Simulator

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Begin Simulation. Wow. You are a very rare person who is known as “an outdoorsy type.” You have no interest in the Internet, and you never have to delete your history because you never had one. When someone asks if you would like to look at a website with them, you say, “No, I prefer to read a book or look at a REAL tree or get married.” You get your news from the things people shout out of their cars during bad traffic,…

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Im Sick Of Busting My Ass Doing Neo-Nazi Stuff Only To Have Some Masked Antifa Dweebs Get Credit As The Real Fascists

When you work at something for years, really taking the time to master it, you expect a little bit of recognition. So that’s why what’s happening right now in America is really getting under my skin: I am sick of busting my ass doing neo-Nazi stuff only to have masked Antifa dipshits swoop in and get credit as the real fascists. Let me break down just how unjust this is. Me and my friends have worked hard for years to promote white supremacy, nationalism, and eugenics. We’ve cyber-stalked feminists. We’ve…

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Modern Video Games Are Giving Kids Unrealistic Standards For How Many Swords They Can Carry At One Time

Some people would tell you we’re in a golden age of video gaming. Between incredible advances in graphics, a booming indie scene, and virtual reality just over the horizon, I am almost inclined to believe them. But while video games might be improving, nobody seems to be paying attention to what lessons the most impressionable gamers are learning from them. Like it or not, modern video games are giving kids totally unrealistic standards for how many swords they can carry at one time. I make it my business as a…

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Youve Been Elected To Congress! Can You Pass Even One Goddamn Bill?

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Yes! Let’s get to work! Minimum wage increase. Wider access to birth control. Yes! Submit a bill to the floor of the House of Representatives. Unfortunately, you were elected with the support of small-business owners, and this is an issue they will definitely not approve of. Politically, this is not a good time to try this. Maybe in a few years? Damn. Well, I guess I’ll pick another issue. A straw poll conducted in your state just five weeks ago shows that the public…

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Its Your First Day At A New High School. Can You Become Popular?

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Take a deep breath and march boldly through the front door. Go lie down on the grass instead. Wow, school. The place where knowledge happens. How exciting it is to be in your new stomping grounds. You’ve been told to go to the atrium, where your orientation buddy will be waiting to show you around the school. Go inside high school. “Are you Kevin? It is me, Ormul, your orientation buddy!” he says. “The school has chosen me to be your new best friend….

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Acquire Frogs

This feature requires JavaScript to function. I am here to acquire frogs. Got it. Thanks. Correct. Here is a photograph of a frog for reference. Hey, that’s a pretty good drawing of a frog. Nice work. Go to the library. Go to your house. Go to the swamp. Go to the retirement home. This is the place where you live. There are no frogs here. Why the fuck did you come here? This was a waste of time. You are at the swamp. Excellent. You have acquired a frog. Nice…

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