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Science FTW: A Team Of Weeping, Blood-Soaked Researchers Has Announced That The Music Of Phil Collins Makes Pandas Kill Each Other

Here’s some exciting news from the animal kingdom that’s really changing our understanding of the natural world. After an eventful morning at Zoo Atlanta’s giant-panda enclosure, a team of weeping, blood-soaked researchers has announced that the music of Phil Collins makes pandas kill each other! The groundbreaking discovery was made earlier today when a team of five zoologists turned on a Phil Collins Pandora station to listen to while they checked the animals’ vitals and accidentally triggered almost 15 minutes of unhinged bloodletting amongst the four giant pandas currently living…

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Goodbye Tinder: Facebooks New Dating App Finally Allows You To Romantically Connect With Your Dads Friend Who Likes All Your Posts Even Though Youve Never Met Him

Online dating can be a serious headache, and it’s more likely you’ll find yourself stuck in an endless cycle of dead-end first dates than in a compatible match. But if you’re experiencing dating app fatigue, don’t lose hope of finding that special someone just yet, because Facebook just announced a brand-new dating feature that will finally allow you to romantically connect with your dad’s friend who likes all of your posts even though you’ve never met him. Unveiled yesterday at Facebook’s annual F8 developer conference, the social media platform’s incredible…

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Gamers Rejoice: Steam Is Having A Sale This Week On 50 Pounds Of Hot Salad For Only $5

If you’re a big-time gamer, you might want to get your credit card ready, because Steam just launched a brand-new sale that almost seems too good to be true. According to a recent post on the store’s front page, 50 pounds of hot salad will be available on Steam all week for only $5! You owe it to yourself to take advantage of this amazing deal. Wow. If you aren’t already sold on this awesome bargain, check out hot salad’s discounted listing on Steam and get hyped: Despite the insanely…

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Environmentalism FTW: NASCAR Is Cutting Down On Emissions By Replacing All The Race Cars With A Single Bus That Drivers Share

Everyone knows NASCAR has a carbon-footprint problem. The sport is responsible for emitting more than 4 million pounds of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere every year, and clearly overdue for some eco-friendly changes. Luckily, if this bold new initiative is any indication, the league is finally taking its environmental impact seriously: NASCAR will be cutting down on emissions by replacing all the race cars with a single bus that drivers share. NASCAR: 1. Climate change: 0. Yes! Effective immediately, NASCAR is dropping the number of vehicles allowed on its track…

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7 Pricks Who Defied The Odds And Didnt Go Into Finance

The hard truth: Nowadays, if you’re a prick who wants to be anything but a financial analyst, the deck is pretty much stacked against you. We won’t depress you with the statistics, but in short, it’s extremely rare for pricks to make a living in any field other than finance. And yet, amazingly, some do. Here are seven assholes who inspired us by breaking the cycle: <img src=””> Society looks at Sean’s meaty neck, crew cut, and baseball cap and thinks one thing: finance. But Sean is living proof that…

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Youre Santa! Can You Master The Sleigh And Deliver Gifts To All The Good Boys And Girls?

This feature requires JavaScript to function. This is you. You’re Santa Claus. I’m definitely Santa Claus, but unfortunately, I need to explode right away. You’ve been lying unconscious on the frigid tundra of the North Pole since last Christmas. In order to make sure you didn’t starve during your year-long slumber, arctic pelicans have been coming up to you and laying eggs into your mouth 24/7 since last Christmas. Every pelican lays about 200 eggs at a time, and they’ve just been squirting them right down Santa’s sleeping throat all…

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Mark, The Motherfucking Renaissance Man Himself

The talented son of a bitch… 1. Mark can play the piano His parents only made him take lessons till the sixth grade, but Mark still plays every now and then as a hobby. Jesus H. Christ. I once heard him run through the entirety of a Chopin waltz with only three or so mistakes. 2. The guy is basically a genius He’s real humble about it, but Mark straight up studied biology at Stanford. Seriously, he turned down a basketball scholarship to Temple in order to go to a…

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Can You Keep Up A Conversation With Your Dad?

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Yes. Absolutely. Check the basement. Check the patio. Go to his office and check there. Hmm. Nope, not here. Check the den. Check his office. You are shocked not to find your dad in the kitchen, a place he can often be found. Check the patio. Check his office. No dads here on the patio. Check the kitchen. Check his office. You walk into your dad’s office building. “Oh, you must be Dad’s kid,” says your dad’s boss, Mrs. Clakswaby. “He’s not here right…

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What Is A Good Gift For My Very Serious Nephew?

This joyless boy’s a mystery to me. Our state-of-the-art quizzes require JavaScript. 1. My nephew is a grave, grim boy who takes weekly oatmeal baths, writes trivia cards for no one, and dreams of designing a superior cigarette. Next week, he turns 12. What do you get a boy like that? A sober boy will go wild for shares of Quest Diagnostics stock. Spoil him rotten with a book of carpet samples. 2. In the past, I’ve bought him monochrome jigsaws, a model kit of the RMS Lusitania, and a…

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4 David Bowie Personas He Created To Get Back On Jury Duty

In 1971, David Bowie sat for jury duty for a vandalism case and had the time of his life. Bowie loved jury duty so much that he spent the rest of his life obsessively creating new personas to get another shot at the jury box. Here are the four unforgettable David Bowie personas that the rock n roll legend created in order to trick the selection committee and get back on jury duty. 1. Ziggy Stardust Upon learning that his recent jury appearance would automatically disqualify David Bowie from selection…

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Making Waves: The Biggest Winner Of NY Fashion Week Was This Shirt That Looks Dressy Enough For A Nice Dinner But Casual Enough For Just Hanging With Buds

The fashion world is abuzz over a groundbreaking new design that critics have unanimously lauded as the biggest winner of New York mens fashion week: a shirt that looks dressy enough for a nice dinner but casual enough for just hanging with buds. Wow! Talk about versatility! From the collection of French designer Maurice Bernard, this solid button-down is appropriate to don at your nieces communion, but not so fancy that your friends will call you Mr. Big Shot for wearing it out to a bar. Ever since its debut…

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These Graphs Perfectly Capture The Rolling Hills And Sprawling Pastures Of Mamas Girlhood, And O! How Sweet The Meadowgrass Smelled

If youve ever wondered what it was like for Mama to grow up tall and strong out on the rolling hills and sprawling pastures of her girlhood, these data visualizations get it across perfectly. Check out this chart, which clearly conveys those endless, boundless hilltops that echoed with laughter, where Mama played and sang, and learned right from wrong, too: Wow. Clearly, the rise and fall of the hillsides matches the beating of her young heart. Its easy to see how Mama would dance atop their peaks, braided pigtails swirling,…

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Your Parents Are Going Out Of Town. Host The Party Of The Year!

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Hell yes. Knowledge is power, and power is everything. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! screams your clock again, but later now. Does it hate you? Yes. Anyway, probably time to get up, right? Keep hitting snooze. You keep hitting snooze, and eventually, your clock gives up, because humans will always beat machines in the end. You sleep for a long, long time. You dream about gliding over a small island nation ruled by batteries, and about French-kissing your cousin with the two lazy eyes. You manage…

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