Everyone has a friend who knows not to run upstairs when they should be running out the front door.
I’m talking the horror movie fan in your life, who’s so similar to Randy Meeks from Scream or Marty Mikalski from Cabin in the Woods they’ll never, ever investigate a basement or deep, dark forest with you.
This is the friend who knows “the rules” — they will tell you not to pick up the phone, not to have sex (“sex equals death”), never drink or do drugs, and never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say “I’ll be right back.”
You won’t be back.
So they’ve saved your ass a few times from a rampant serial killer during a senseless bloodbath. Time to get ‘em a gift! Here are a few ideas that’ll make them happier than a creep calling from inside the house.
A red balloon
Leave that floating sucker near a storm drain and your horror-loving friend will absolutely love It.
A Hereditary-style dollhouse
Want to really impress your modern horror-loving pal? If they’ve seen the unforgettably disturbing Hereditary, why not scare the hell out of them with a creepy dollhouse? You can pick up dollhouses from toy stores, both online and off, and take the opportunity to fashion a little true-to-life scene or two within its haunted halls.
A Ouija board
OK, so Ouija boards have single-handedly kickstarted countless nightmares from The Exorcist to Paranormal Activity, so why not bring those demonic, murderous pals into your own existence?
A good, old-fashioned security camera
Want to catch ghosts blasting through your cupboards, leaving little witch crosses outside your tent, and possessing your girlfriend? Nothing better than the gift of a security camera to record your own supernatural demise. Keep them going all night long — you won’t want to miss the moment when one of your family members gets dragged into a cellar by an unseen shadowy thing. Right? Action!
A television set that doesn’t ever find reception
Hey, everyone loves a flickering television screen, especially fans of The Ring. So why not find an old television set that doesn’t quite get reception, except for when you hit play on a mysterious, freaky, arthouse-looking VHS tape that’s been left here. Weird. Put both of your hands on the screen for a real Poltergeist of a ride.
A cup of tea
Cheapskates can make their giftee a lovely cup of tea. Just keep stirring it, and stirring it, and stirring it, and stirring it until boom — the Sunken Place.
A mysterious book. It’s just a book, right?
Gather ye round for a whale of a tale, that’ll probably result in you being impaled! But seriously, a mysterious book, say, of a fun-loving pop-up romp starring your ol’ pal The Babadook, will float any horror lover’s boat. Just don’t let them read the last page, or you might find a less than happy ending.
A weekend away in a cabin in the woods
Breathe in that fresh air, enjoy that lack of phone signal, and relish the fact that no one will hear you scream! Book your stressed out giftee a casual weekend away in a quaint, isolated cabin in the woods, where the chances of prime relaxation, a flesh-eating virus outbreak, a homicidal spirit attack, or a machete-wielding hockey mask-wearing killer visit are super high. It’s the gift of a clear mind, and brain! Seriously, their brain may not make it back home.
Most efficient way to roll around hotel hallways, avoiding freaky twins and blood-filled elevators.
A creepy, old-timey doll
They’ll be your giftee’s friend forever and ever and ever and ever …
Three Bloody Marys, requested looking into a mirror at midnight
You know how this ends.
A Goosebumps board game
This is just a really good gift, guys.