As far as the fucking Patriots go, the fact that Tom Brady has never eaten a goddamn strawberry sends me into a rage blackout the likes of which have never been seen. I guess when you’re married to
your weird crackpot “body coach” Gisele and she tells you to do something (like not eat berries or nightshade vegetables), you fucking do it. Oh, and my hatred of Tommy Five-Rings translates to the rest of the team, especially Bill Belichick and his crusty collection of sweatshirts.
ANYWAY, because it’s a Monday and I don’t want to do actual work, let’s rank the hottest players in the year’s clash of American symbolism.
7. Nick Foles
He looks like a nice hipster and has an approachable hotness. That was the most clinical reporting on a hot athlete I’ve ever done. I’ve truly grown as a journalist.
6. Rick Lovato
He looks really fucking stupid in his team pic (literally all of them do, and that has made my job v hard), but a Google Image search has revealed that Lovato has potential. He usually has only a semi-dumb look on his face, which I can look past because I enjoy his kind eyes and thick beard. This ranking does not apply to when he has a chinstrap/goatee.
5. Michael Kendricks
This Eagles betch is Rihanna’s man crush as reported on Instagram in 2014. If he’s good enough for Rihanna, he’s probably way out of my league.
4. Julian Edelman
Yah, he’s a ginger. But if Ed Sheeran gets a fan club, so does Julian. He used to date Adriana Lima, so CLEARLY he’s banking on his good looks to keep him afloat after he concusses one too many times. Thanks, NFL!
3. Chris Long
Hot in a grungy, tattooed man sort of way. He’s totally married, which is so presh. He also has a foundation that, like, gives water to kids in Africa. Be still, my heart.
2. Danny Amendola
AMENNNNNN. This guy is like hot in the next-door-frat-bro sorta way. I’m not sure what a wide receiver does and idc, but I’d pretend to enjoy football to stare at this man.
1. Tom Brady
This LITERALLY pains me, but Tom Brady is hot. There, I said it. He has total “I’m an elitist asshole” vibes which, when combined with his refusal to eat anything processed, makes me hate him—until I look into his eyes. There, I forget all about his disgust when confronted with Doritos or his clear lack of acting skills in ANY advertisement he’s placed in.
That’s four hot Pats dudes and three hot Eagles dudes. There was a lack of hotties coming from Philly, which should surprise no one. Tell me how offended you are, and I’ll tell you how much the Pats will win by. Suck it.