Tom and Ariana
What’s the worst thing you can say about this couple? They’re kind of boring, and he wears more makeup than she does? She’s
pretending to be anti-marriage to get screen time not dying to get engaged? Yeah, move along. They don’t actively hate each other, and they have not said things to each other on TV that have made me gasp. They’re fine.
Katie and Tom
Ugh, I was really hoping to rank these two lower, seeing as most of the episodes surrounding their wedding were so goddamn traumatizing, I couldn’t even enjoy the finale. I just don’t understand how that Vegas trip wasn’t a bigger red flag for either one of them, let alone the running joke about how sexless they are. That being said, they are still a pretty good couple by standards (no cheating further than making out, vaguely promising couples’ therapy, etc.).
Jax and Carmen / Jax and Tiffany
If you’re thinking, “Who?” here, you have a good point. Tiffany is the girl in Vegas who paid for Jax’s hotel room in which he banged another girl, and Carmen is the girl Jax was actually dating when he first got together with Tiffany. Were either of these relationships founded on more than physical attraction and shots? No, but in their defense, they didn’t then stay together for three years and systematically ruin each other’s lives, which is pretty much the M.O.
Jax and Brittany
Speaking of that M.O., here’s Jax and Brittany! Unlike Carmen/Tiffany, Brittany becomes fully invested, moves to LA, and is gifted new boobs—after which she’s berated and humiliated for not showing her gratitude by doing things like “making sandwiches” and “not being around so much.” Brittany is a very sweet if
painfully stupid naïve girl—she deserves better than a relationship that renders both parties half as attractive as they were when they came in.
Kristen and Tom
Everyone tends to focus on how unrelentingly batshit Kristen became post-breakup (and there’s a lot to focus on), but the relationship itself was also pretty fucking awful (the cheating, the constant fighting, the general vibe of two people who just couldn’t figure out how to leave each other). That being said, I was full-on bawling when they had a brief emotional moment post breakup; they were probably once in love before it became a who’s-shittier competition.
Stassi and Frank / Stassi and Jax
I’m grouping these together, because we don’t see much of either, and they have similar trends. The relationships themselves are mostly Stassi bitching and Jax/Frank being a whiny little shit. They both have one HORRIFYING feature (Jax: impregnating a stripper; Frank: distributing Stassi’s sex tape), and are otherwise unremarkable. I would’ve loved to see the Malibu Barbie/Ken phase of Jax & Stassi, but Stassi was too smart to
be another cog in Jax’s sex addiction take him back, and I applaud her.
Jax and Laura Leigh
This relationship was deliciously hard to watch. I don’t think Jax paid a single piece of positive attention to Laura Leigh that wasn’t related to either his dick or Stassi’s presence, meaning I spent way too much time screaming, “He doesn’t even LIKE you,” at my TV. But seriously, if a guy is nervously smiling instead of responding with words 9/10 times, take his cue and assume they are not words you want to hear, LL! And please, either take your helium voice down a couple pitches, or tell fewer chilling meth-addiction stories in it; the combination is not workable.
Scheana and Shay
Ugh, this couple wins for most brutal offenses over a long-ass period of time. It’s honestly sad that Scheana didn’t realize he had a pill addiction for their entire relationship, and that she somehow felt a chemistry between them that was
never visible to a single viewer undoubtedly less present for Shay, if at all, behind the far more pressing issue of where he was going to get his next high. I hope Scheana finds someone who does more than sullenly tolerate her presence and that Shay finds his way off my TV screen forever.
Kristen and James
Finally, what do you get when you put the two most determinedly awful people in the world together?
A Weinstein-Trump sandwich ’s worst couple! This relationship involved cheating, lying, hints of alcoholism, verbal AND physical abuse, and also managed to be exceptionally un-fun to watch, given the fact that you are rooting for no one and nothing other than the sweet release of death for all parties involved.
Even just recapping those relationships was exhausting—I have no idea how these people lived through all of them. Thankfully, in three weeks (!!!), I can go back to doing what I do best: getting drunk on Monday nights and continuing to watch this blessed cast do things I would never have the
lack of shame strength to do myself. Blessings.